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Oppituntina epäonnistuminen

En usko epäonnistumisen olevan kenenkään lempitunne. Se voi saada kiemurtelemaan epävarmuudesta ja tehdä olon hankalaksi. Tai sitten, kun on teitä superihmisiä, jotka osaavat käsitellä epäonnistumisia leppoisasti, nostan teille hattuani. Niin kauan kuin muistan, olen ollut hieman huonompi epäonnistuja. En millään tahtoisi sallia, etten tiedä tai osaa jotain.

Lohdullista on, että voi itse päättää mitä epäonnistumisellaan tekee. Sen voi käsitellä kehittymisen näkökulmasta, oppia siitä ja kasvaa ihmisenä – ja sitten siirtää sivuun ja antaa olla. Noukkia sieltä ne opin hippuset ja antaa vain olla. Tahdon niin kovasti olla ookoo sen kanssa, että kaikkea ei tarvitse tietää tai osata. Aina voi aloittaa alusta, aina voi muuttaa suuntaa – lopettaminenkaan ei tarkoita automaattisesti epäonnistumista.

Pidän itseäni rohkeana tyyppinä ja uskallan kokeilla uusia asioita, mutta silti joudun välillä muistutella itselleni, että mahalaskut ja hajoileminen ovat neutraali osa elämää ja rohkeana oloa. Osa eheytymisen ja kasvun prosessia. Onnistuminen on ihanaa. Onnistuminen on palkitsevaa. Omalla mukavuusalueella on turvallista, mutta jossain vaiheessa se saattaa turruttaa ja tuntua tylsältä.

Kaikessa rohkeudessani olen hieman vetäytyvä ja arka uuden edessä. Tutkiskelen ja seurailen tilanteita. Vaikka nautin itseni haastamisesta ja kykyjeni rajoilla elämisestä, elän välillä ristiriidassa itseni kanssa: miksi epäonnistuminen on niin suuri mörkö minulle? Toisinaan se nolottaa ja pienikin pieleen mennyt asia, vähäpätöisinkin, saattaa maalata mielen harmaaksi. Jo pienenä tyttönä ala-asteella en raaskinut viitata tunnilla vastatakseni opettajan kysymykseen, jollen ollut täysin varma oikeasta vastauksesta.

Tiedän ottavani pienet tai isot mokat liian henkilökohtaisesti, ja se on heikkouteni, kehityskohtani. Olen epäilemättä itseni pahin arvostelija ja huono antamaan itselleni armoa, mutta opettelen koko ajan ja pikkuhiljaa paremmaksi. Opettelen olemaan itselleni armollisempi ja myötämielisempi. Juurrutan ajatusmaailmaani, että on inhimillistä olla osaamatta kaikkea ja on hyvä käydä rähmällään aina välillä.

-Tanja

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